


But Gordon was Alive.

by Lesbian_Writings



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25567030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lesbian_Writings/pseuds/Lesbian_Writings
Summary: 20 years after the Resonance Cascade Barney finds Gordon and he finds he's still in love with the nerdy physicist. Hopefully said physicist likes him back.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun & Gordon Freeman, Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 105





	But Gordon was Alive.

Gordon was alive. After 20 years of being gone, he was back. And he was _alive_. If Barney still believed in a god he would’ve thought his futile attempts at prayer had worked. Gordon was alive. But was Barney? Technically, he was. He was breathing and his heart was pumping and his thoughts were his own. But it’s hard to live in a world like the one he was in. The nightmares were constant, death was everywhere, Barney’s own job kept him in constant danger. There was no room to breathe.

But Gordon was alive. And when Barney saw his face he felt a knot in his shoulders loosen just a little. Gordon was alive. At the time he was stoked! His best friend and long time crush was back! Back and alive! But now that he had time to think. He wasn’t as happy. Gordon had technically caused this whole mess. It’s not like he could’ve known but Gordon was the one to push the crystal. And Gordon was the face of the experiment. 

But Gordon was alive. Did Gordon still care about him? What had he been doing for 20 years? Why come back now? Why come back at all? 

But Gordon was alive. And he should be happy about that. But all the emotions Barney was feeling were muffled by exhaustion. The cot in this empty white forest room wasn’t comfortable but it was better than concrete or debris. At least he had an actual pillow and blanket. However old and tired they were. You think he’d be asleep by now, but an overactive mind has a way of keeping you awake. 

But Gordon was alive. And so was Barney. And Gordon was probably asleep somewhere else. And he should be asleep as well. 

Those were Barney’s last thoughts before his exhaustion beat his worries and fears in the fight they had been having.

Barney found himself just outside Black Mesa. The group in the SUV waiting for him. Except they weren’t. He heard a door shut and the car peel away, but he couldn’t move. He was stuck to his spot. But slowly fading in from behind him was a pitch-black nothingness. And just as he watched it cross under his feet, he felt hands; hands of the same material crawling up from behind him, he could only assume that began wrapping around him. One reached from behind and held his throat. Another grabbed his arm at the elbow, one slipped around his waist, another holding his ankle, and more in more spaces. But the last grabbed the back of his vest and as soon as it did the light grip the hands held on Barney tightened. The one around his neck squeezed with no remorse, they all did but the one around his throat felt the worst. It choked him, but he already had no air. He closed his eyes and let out one last choked breath.

When he opened his eyes Gordon was sitting over him, looking concerned. Barney didn’t understand what was going on. He was about to say something, but Gordon started signing first. A lot of stuff about being so worried about him and glad that he’s okay and that it was a miracle and a bunch of other stuff Barney couldn’t catch. “Woah, woah, hey, Doc slow down. I can only read so fast…” Why was Barney so tired? Why were they outside? What was going on? Gordon signed a bit more about him being shot and to conserve his strength and stay awake and stuff Barney had usually told to members of the rebellion who probably weren’t gonna make it back. Barney looked down and sure enough, there was a sizable pool of blood on his stomach. The blood only made his civil protections uniform shine and the hole where he had been shot more apparent. Luckily the pain hadn’t set in yet.

“Doc, you don’t have to lie to me… I’ve told others what you’re telling me… It usually doesn’t end well.” Gordon stopped signing to put pressure on Barney’s wound and Barney held his hands. After all, these may be his last moments so… What does he have to lose? When the adrenaline wore off the pain came in waves. It was slow but gradually crescendoed into something unbearable, every twitch of his own muscles making him want to curl into a ball and scream. 

But he didn’t. 

So, there laid Barney on the empty remains of a battlefield as Gordon tried to keep him alive and search for help but, Barney was fading and fast. The bodies around him almost started to look like him. He watched Gordon’s face. He was crying. He was trying to keep it together but you can only do that so long. At some point, the walls have to come down. He squeezed Gordon’s hands, making the other man look at him. “Hey, Doc, could you do me one last favor?” 

Gordon nodded, hating that Barney phrased it like that but, he was probably right. These may just be his last moments. “Sorry about never getting to give you that beer I owe ya but… And I know this may be awkward given the circumstances but,” Barney’s wound seared and he grunted as he held back a yelp of pain, “Would ya mind givin’ me a kiss? I always liked you but, of course, you don’t have to-” Barney was cut off by Gordon kissing him. The blood on the side of Barney’s mouth, mixing with Gordon’s tears. It was one of the few things he had ever wanted and now he had it. But it would probably be the last thing he got.

The kiss was short and not cut off by either pulling away no. But by Barney going limp and all the warmth in him flickering out like a candle. Gordon continued to hold the man’s wound and sob over his friend’s dead body.

Barney awoke just a jump and a gasp, getting as much air as he could and smacking his chest a few times when he started coughing. He slowly got his bearings, fists gripping the worn blanket tightly and eyes darting around the barren room. Soon he calmed down. Just another nightmare. A very realistic one but just a nightmare nonetheless. He could breathe, he was out of Black Mesa and nothing was choking him. He was fine and alive and Gordon didn’t kiss him. It wasn’t his first nightmare involving Gordon but maybe the first where he was the one dying. 

But Gordon was alive. And so was he. There was a knock at the door, making Barney sigh as he got up and out of bed. “Coming.” He opened the door to find the man he had been dreaming about right in front of him. Gordon Freeman. “Oh, hey, Doc, what are you doing up so early? You weren’t really a morning person if I remember-” Barney’s cut off by Gordon hugging him and squeezing him so tight. It takes a few moments but Barney hugs back and holds Gordon close. “Hey, Doc… You alright?” Barney speaks quietly since Gordon clearly isn’t okay and needs comfort. Gordon shakes his head as he buries it into Barney’s shoulder. Barney slowly shuffles further into the room with Gordon in his arms, using his foot to close the door and shuffling more so they can both sit on Barney’s cot. It’d be more comfortable than standing anyway. Well, it would be for Barney at least. Barney felt a few wet spots build on his shoulder but didn’t mind. 

But Gordon was alive. And Barney was there to comfort him. After a while when Gordon had mostly calmed down he started to explain himself. [Sorry about all that… I had a nightmare and was worried about you.] Barney nodded. “Yeah just woke up from one myself. Wanna talk about it?” Gordon nodded and wiped his eyes. 

[You had gotten hit by something on the field and you were bleeding out… We were all alone so there wasn’t really much of a chance to save you. It felt so real. I’m glad you’re okay.] Barney sighed and thought it all sounded familiar. Maybe they just had similar nightmares. Barney opened his arms for another hug which Gordon quickly accepted. They held each other for a while before Barney let go and sat back. [You mentioned earlier that you also woke up from a nightmare… Do you wanna talk about it?] Barney gave a weak chuckle and pushed his hair back. “Might as well… So basically I was back at Black Mesa, but I had just left. Something happened, and I was just… stuck there. Frozen while the car drove off. I couldn’t do anything and I definitely couldn’t do anything when I felt a bunch of hands grabbing me and, suddenly they started choking me. Then I had pretty much the same dream you had. I was the one dying too. Which is odd. Usually, it’s you who dies in my arms.” Barney brushed it off like it was nothing but, Gordon clearly couldn’t do the same. [Are you okay, Barney? How are you not at least a little shaken up by that?] It suddenly hit him that the constant nightmares weren’t normal. Barney tried to not show what he was feeling but he’s always worn his heart on his sleeve so his expression was a dead give away to Gordon that Barney was kind of going through it. “I… I guess I’d just gotten so used to ‘em, Doc…” Gordon frowned and put a hand on Barney’s shoulder to reassure him.

But Gordon was alive. And he was here with Barney. In the end, wasn’t that the most important thing? Gordon moved his hand from Barney’s shoulder to his cheek and without thinking, Barney leaned into it and closed his eyes. Gordon smiled softly and moved to sit a bit closer to the other man. Barney didn’t realize just how tired he really was from everything until this moment. This exact moment, alone with Gordon, both comforting each other and with his hand on his cheek. Suddenly the walls he hadn’t realized he built came crashing down and he realized just how truly and deeply exhausted he was. And how strong his feelings for Gordon still were. Barney yawned and continued to lean into Gordon’s hand. This was friendly, right? Just guys hanging out? “Ya know Doc… I used to have a crush on you… Heh. Kinda embarrassing to say I used to have one since I still do.” Barney slowly opened his eyes to find Gordon blushing as he realized what he said. He was suddenly very awake again as he quickly straightened himself out, taking his head off of Gordon’s hand as he began to frantically apologize, stumbling over his words and not looking at Gordon until he shook Barney’s shoulders which made him stop and look at him. [Barney! Barney, it’s okay! You don’t have to apologize. I have a crush on you too.] It takes Barney a few moments to process what Gordon signs but when he does he feels his cheeks warm a bit as he looks up at Gordon. “R-really? Have we both just had crushes on each other this entire time and not noticed?” Gordon smiled and nodded, making the movements like he was laughing but with no sound. Barney actually giggled a little himself. It was a funny situation they have gotten themselves into huh? “So I know given the circumstances a relationship may not be the best thing but… We’ve been crushing for a while now. Would you want to be boyfriends?” Gordon nodded quickly and held Barney’s face in both of his hands, the two leaning closer until they were mere inches apart. Gordon seemed to ask a question as he tilted his head and glanced at Barney’s lips. It took Barney a moment to put it together before he said anything. “If you wanna kiss, Doc, I’ve been waiting for this moment for twenty-some-odd years.” He chuckled before Gordon closed the gap between them. The kiss was everything Barney had wanted. Maybe not in the circumstances he had dreamed of but, Gordon’s lips were incredibly soft given everything that had happened.

Barney was alive and, so was Gordon. Gordon didn’t know where he had been for twenty years but, Barney was okay. And that’s what was most important to him. Barney was okay. And they had each other. Maybe when things were better they could live happily. But for right now this was the best they were gonna get. And Gordon could live with that.


End file.
